Time Marches On

I recently realized that the one year anniversary of Willie's death recently passed without much ado.  Occasionally, I still look out to the corner of the back year where he is buried and to be honest I can not go to the vet's office without thinking about him. 
I vowed not to blog about my new dog on Willie's blog...but I must say we did get a new dog approximately 3-4 days after Willie's death and just a word of warning, I don't recommend that.  She and I did not really get along in the beginning but are making progress in our love/hate relationship.  Someone asked me the other day if I was going to start a blog for my new dog and I said "no, unless she gets a brain tumor" which is a rather horrible thing to say, but it's true. 
Anyway, just thought I'd stop by to let you know...I'm still missing Willie at times but I think that's just the way things are when a loved one dies.

Anger

I haven't found that much to be angry about except the fact that my dog is dead. I can say there are a few things that I'm been ruminating about and could make me mad if I spent too much time thinking about them. Since I've dedicated my days to working through the grief process I'll let you know a little about the things I'm angry about...
1. When we were leaving to take Willie to the vet, the neighbors came over to say their goodbyes. This is really sweet I realize but what I'm angry about is...apparently she had lotion or perfume on because she pet Willie on the head and all I could smell is her perfume. Willie has had a very distinct smell his whole life, it is a kind of stinky smell but it is his smell none the less. Brandon and I always said he stinks so good. So, on the way to the vets office I'm loving him and cuddling him and trying to smell him but all I can smell is the neighbors perfume and that made me angry. I wanted to smell Willie and his yummy stinky smell that I love so very much and I couldn't smell it and that made me mad!
2. After all was said and done at the vet and Brandon and I are sitting in the room holding the package that is our dead dog, I ask if they will mail me a bill and am told that I'd need to take care of it. Okay, I understand there is a fee and a cost but come on people, are you really going to make me sit here at the front counter with my dead dog in my hand so I can pay my bill?!?!? No, someone would come into the exam room and take care of the bill, apologies were offered as the policy is to take care of the bill prior to the task, blah, blah, blah. So the poor woman had to come in and give me the bill, that's when the angry really starts to rise. Not at the time of course because I was so shell shocked because Brandon is holding our dead dog, but now it really makes me angry. I remember getting in the truck and turning to Brandon and saying "you know it ought to be a crime. How do those people sleep at night charging $70 to kill your dog!"

So, anger...I'm working through it but still desperately miss my sweet stinky old man dog!

Stages of Grief: Denial

For those of you who aren't familiar with the stages of grief...Elizabeth Kubler-Ross introduced five stages of grief and I'm here to tell you they suck, each and every one of them. The five stages of grief are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I'm pretty sure I've experienced each of these at moments but thought I'd start at the top today with denial.
First off, at times during the day it was easy to pretend that Willie was not dead because you see, when I'm at work it is easy to deny the fact that he is gone and I can pretend it didn't happen.
Brandon and I both decided that we didn't want to be present when Willie was injected which was the right decision for me but it is also another aspect that makes denial so easy. When Dr. Stephens came back into the examination room Willie was all wrapped up like a little package and we never had to see him dead which works well for me. I couldn't take the package because I was so sad so I made Brandon carry it out and then had the issue when we got to the car...what to do now.
I tried to convince Brandon to put him in the backseat but he wasn't going for that. So he hands him to me and I'm like, this is not Willie, it is too heavy to be Willie. Brandon tried to explain to me the theory of "dead weight" but I still didn't believe it. When I got home I weighed it, yes that is correct, I took the wrapped up package of my dead dog and weighed it and sure enough it was 8.5 pounds just what little Willie weighed but seemed so much heavier to me. I'm working through the denial and being at home makes it impossibly sad because there is no denying he isn't here and is buried in the back yard.

Willie 2/17/97 - 2/3/08

I'm so sad to say that today was Willie's last day. He had a really great day on Sunday which makes me so happy. Brandon went to work but Willie and I slept late and spooned together before getting up and getting ready for the Superbowl. He hung out in the kitchen while I baked and prepared. He seemed to enjoy spending time with everyone that came over, especially my friend Ashley who held him and pet him for most of the second half of the game. He ate all of his food and even barked for seconds which I obliged even though I usually don't.
Monday, was an extremely different story. He had a really bad seizure on Monday morning, including losing control of his bowels. This was just the saddest thing I thought I'd ever see...little did I know it would get worse. Once he was finished seizing, he tried to get up but his back legs were not working at all and he appeared to have no sensation in either of his back legs. When he would try to stand he would struggle and then fall down. Walking was not any better, he would basically just drag his legs behind him. Brandon and I discussed it and decided we would bring him in on Friday.
Last night, I had such a difficult time helping he go outside, I basically had to hold him up while he peed/pooped and that was horrible. This morning after watching him attempt to go outside I decided today was the day. Brandon and I brought him in at 5:30 and were headed home with him by 6pm. We buried him in the back yard.

Still kicking...

So, I brought Willie to the vet yesterday morning for what I thought would be the "needle" but when I got there the vet said he thought he just had a virus. Amazingly enough, the night before he perked up around 2am and was walking around, drinking water which was all a great surprise since he hadn't been out of his bed since Friday. He ate a few treats right out of Dr. Stephen's hand making a liar out of me because I basically told them he was on his death bed. He didn't have a fever and was acting totally normal at the vet's office so he gave him an appetite stimulant to bring his appetite back and sent us home. He said he would probably be starving by the time I got home from work and all would be well again.

Unfortunately, Willie is still not eating but is out of the bed which is an improvement but I'm still quite concerned he hasn't had much to eat for the past 4 days. I asked the vet how do I know if he is coming down with something or about to kick the bucket and he basically said if he has similar symptoms for 5-7 days in a row. Well, we are now on day 4 without eating, I guess if he is still not eating by the end of the week, I'll give him another call but until then Willie is still kicking (just not as high as normal!)

Decision Time?

So, Willie has been sick most of the weekend again and has me quite disturbed. He had just been in his bed all weekend long and has not got out of his bed but once today. He has not eaten since Friday. Brandon cooked him some rice this afternoon but he had no interest. He started going downhill on Saturday morning, puked a few times and a number of runny poops. At one point yesterday he puked, pooped and had a seizure all at the same time than decided to just lay in the hall for a while. I eventually had to pick him up and put him in his bed. Today, he got up once to go outside on his own but other than that has not even had much to drink today. I told Brandon that we needed to have a serious discussion on how to proceed, but who wants to have that discussion. Brandon seems to think he will get better but I'm less optimistic. It bothers me to think he is feeling so poorly but it also bothers me to think he could get better. How do you make this decision??? I been joking with him that if he doesn't perk up he is going to get "the needle". But seriously, I can't even think about it without tearing up a little bit. I guess I'll give him a few more days and see how he does, but I'm certainly going to call the vet tomorrow to discuss. How do you know when it is the beginning of the end or just a bug?!?!? This sucks!

One Sick Puppy!

Well, Willie has been doing remarkably well until the last few days. I took him for his annual vet visit in October and he was surprised at how well Willie's health was. He ran a bunch of lab work and everything came back okay except his thyroid levels. He started Willie on a daily thyroid pill and when we brought him back for repeat lab work last week everything was in line. He was doing well until the last week when he had two mini seizures. These are his third and fourth seizure since diagnosis his first being on labor day. They aren't too painful to watch and last just about 10-20 seconds. Afterwards he is normal as if he doesn't even realize he had a seizure.

He became quite sick yesterday - vomiting and diarrhea. We have been renovating our kitchen and Brandon thinks he may have ingested some trash - saw dust, paint drops, who knows. He has not had anything to eat in the past two days but has been drinking water. I cooked some rice for him this morning but he has yet to eat that either. I'm thinking we will bring him to the vet tomorrow for another drop in the wallet. Hopefully he just has a tummy ache and nothing worse than that?!?!? So far, he just lays around, seems really weak today but hopefully will start to feel better and have a bite to eat.

Happy Anniversary!

Yesterday was our second wedding anniversary and we celebrated with dinner and dessert. I ordered a 6" round cake just like the top of our wedding cake. It was quite tasty and we enjoyed it again tonight after dinner.

What, you might ask, does this have to do with Willie?!?! I shared some of the frosting with Willie and he enjoyed it too. Brandon thought it would be entertaining if we put some of the frosting on Willie's nose to see what he would do.

He never really figured out that the frosting was on his nose, he just kept smelling around for quite some time. Every once in a while he would lick his nose and get a little hint of the flavor then go to sniffing around again. After a few minutes, I couldn't take it anymore and had to wipe it off so he could enjoy it.

What Willie Does Best

I am asked on a regular basis how Willie is doing and I repeatedly answer that Willie is doing fine. This video was taken last year so it isn't that current but I tell you this is what Willie does best. He absolutely loves to be petted and Brandon will pet him for hours on end. This video shows what a typical afternoon is like for Willie...just laying in Brandon's lap while he pets him. Must be the life?!?!

I'm a bad mom...

I'm a bad mom because I don't pay enough attention to Willie. Oh P.S. and I'm lazy. Yesterday Willie was begging to go outside but for various reasons I was hoping Brandon would take him out, mostly because I didn't feel like getting up. Of course, I didn't tell Brandon that I wanted him to take him out. I was hoping he would catch the telepathic signals I was sending to him. So we are watching TV and Brandon gets up to "go to the grass" himself and I say, "Hey, while you're up, would you take Willie out" to which he replies "I will after I pee." Willie is so excited by the activity he immediately gets up and runs to the door to which I respond by just sitting there because I know Brandon will take him out when he gets back. Unfortunately Willie was not having that, so he jumped right up on the couch and hiked his leg. I wish I was kidding but I'm not. He just jumped right up there and peed like a big "FU for not taking me out when I've been begging", hence the bad mom complex. Luckily there was a blanket on the couch which he actually peed on and I was just able to throw that in the wash. I tell you I felt so guilty for not taking him out, I couldn't even fuss at him for peeing on the couch!!!

I love this!

I saw this cartoon today and loved it so much I had to go online and illegally post it to my blog. It made me laugh so I wanted to share (if anyone is still reading my blog!). Willie is doing fine, skinny and loosing hair but just as cute as ever. Although I imagine other people may not think he is so cute, I joke that he looks like a skunk because he is loosing his hair in a line down his back so it looks like a white stripe, not so bad when he has a sweater on!

A whole new meaning to throw up!

I haven't blogged much because Willie's health has been fine so I decided that just about everyday with Willie is an adventure and certainly there are lots of stories to tell about Willie. So, I've re-energized the blog to be a day in the life of Willie, who just happens to have a brain tumor. As a side note...we visited my grandparents today and my grandmother mentioned that her neighbor died of an inoperable brain tumor that was located between the two hemispheres of her brain. I thought to myself, yes, I'm familiar...my dog has the same tumor. Then I thought, I guess there could be worse things than your dog having a brain tumor!

I learned a whole new meaning to throw up today. I was walking by the bed headed to the bathroom and Willie was whining to get in the bed. He is not too good at jumping that high as he gets older. I picked him up quickly as I walked by and kind of tossed him on the bed. I can not tell you how many times I've done this...countless times I thrown him up on the bed. Well, today as soon as he got the throw up, he threw up in the bed! It was just instantaneous, as soon as his feet hit the pillow he puked on the pillow then stalked off and puked on the duvet! You'd have thought I would learn my lesson about putting him on the bed because that is not the first down duvet that he has ruined. Luckily, I was quick thinking and put him down on the floor and picked up the cover before it was able to soak through the the duvet. It is a good thing he is cute (and sick) because it makes his behavior much more tolerable!

Nine lives...not just for cats!

When I started this blog, I figured that I'd be posting on a regular basis for a few months about Willie's health...I didn't think he'd still be around and doing as well as he has been, therefore warranting more postings than I had ever imagined. My last post "No News is Good News" still holds as there are no new developments. People still ask how he is doing and the best I can say is that he is doing well. He has his days where he just seems to not feel well, a bit lethargic, eyes glazed over and part of me thinks that is more about allergies then a brain tumor?!?! The last time I called to renew his prescription they said I'd have to bring him in for a recheck before they would refill again...and it is almost time for a refill. I imagine that they will figure out what I already know, Willie is a miracle dog. He has been known as the dog with nine lives and according to my calculations, he is working on at least his fifth so I think he still has lots of time left. He is getting older, has a harder time jumping up on the couch, holding his pee, a bit ornery at times, but what can you expect from a ten year old dog?!?! For a while we noticed quite a change in his personality and just within the past week or so he has been his old self again. I'll probably bring him back to LSU with in the next week or two and I'll surely post what I find out!

No news is good news!

I've had a few people comment about the lack of recent posts and I just wanted to let everyone know no news is good news. Willie is doing well, no further symptoms of a brain tumor which has led me to convince myself that he does not actually have a brain tumor. The only difference I've noticed is that he is really fat...his belly is huge!!! He constantly begs for food, crying and whining for it, like a junkie needing a fix. It is really kind of pathetic. I called the LSU Vet School last week for a refill (the second refill) of his prescription and they said the could refill it one more time and then he would need to come in for a recheck. Which I interpreted to mean..."Holy hell, you mean that little dog is still alive??? Maybe we should take a look at him!" I figured they were surprised he was still alive and maybe he should not be taking steroids three times a day for two months. I had already reduced his dosage to twice a day when the instructions were every 8 hours, and as you know that is a bit of a challenge when you work for a living! The first month, I'd come home everyday in the middle of the day to give him a dose every 8 hours but a month later when he was still kicking...I decided to cut back to twice a day. Now, he gets his medicine every 12 hours, and if we are home we would give it to him every 8 hours. So, when I picked up his refill the bottle said to give it to him twice daily. I'd imagine three daily doses of steroids may start to cause some sort of damage. Wouldn't that be something if Willie dies from liver damage instead of a brain tumor?!?! That'd be my luck! If he is still alive when we get close to the end of this bottle I'll bring him in and see what they have to say about my little medical miracle.

Dying Wish

We brought Willie with us to the camp in Grande Isle for the Memorial Day weekend. I was thinking if I had a dying wish it would be to travel, but probably not to Grande Isle, no offense! It was nice to see Willie outside of his element, which is the couch or the bed. He seemed to really enjoy himself and didn't complain too much about the 2.5 hour drive. He sat in his car seat like a good boy, not that he had a choice, the car seat attaches to his harness. He didn't pee in the car which was a good thing, I let him out when we stopped for gas. He stayed on his leash below the camp most of the time taking it all in until he totally exhausted himself and sprawled out on his side like road kill. My favorite part was that it was very windy this weekend, so windy we didn't get to take the boat out, and the wind would catch Willie's ears and stand them straight up...it was the funniest sight I'd seen in a while. As you know, Willie's adorable ears usually flop over and I learned that is not the case in a strong wind. It was nice to get out of the house for all of us and I'm happy to say that Willie may have got his dying wish, if his wish was to travel.

Willie could be a puppy model!

I received Willie's proofs today and I must say, my dog is adorable! One of my coworkers said that Willie should be a puppy model and I thoroughly agree. There are so many cute ones that it will be very hard to decide. I think it would be a bit much to have a ton of pictures of my dog in frames at my house and I'm not at all sure how I will decide. I love my dog and hopefully you will look at the pics and agree that Willie is totally adorable!!

I was also pleasantly surprised and almost moved to tears to learn that a friend of mine was so inspired by reading the Willie blog that she and her son decided to get a min pin. It is like Willie now has a name sake or a legacy that will live on after he is gone...isn't that exciting!!

Ready for my close up!

Willie and I went to have his picture made on Friday and it was fairly uneventful. The appointment was at 9am and I was at work for 10am. He was a bit of a challenge as he doesn't sit still for longer than a second so most of the pictures have me in them. That wasn't exactly what I had in mind, after all why would I want a picture of myself??? If Willie was better behaved then it may have worked out better. Cindy (the photographer) would say "On the count of three move your hand." and I'd move it and he'd be off. That is why most of the pictures I try to take of Willie are just a black and tan blur. Oh also by the way I'm chubby...so I really was not excited about being in the picture. I guess that is the sacrifice I have to make. Hopefully at least one or two will come out for me to choose from...I'll keep you posted as I eagerly anticipate my proofs!

Second Bring Your Dog to Work Day

I'm not sure if Bring Your Dog to Work Day will become a monthly event and I did declare to day the second Bring Your Dog To Work Day. This morning, as I do every morning, I woke Willie up, gave him his medicine, took him to the grass, then brought him back to bed with us. He couldn't sit still and finally got off of the bed. I waited for a while and when he didn't return I went looking for him and found him in his kennel. This is quite unlike Willie as he usually doesn't seem to want to be in his kennel, let alone lay in there with the door open?!?!? When Brandon woke up (because you see he sleeps through all of the stuff I have already done!) he asks "Where's Willie?" and I told him that the last time I saw him he was in his kennel, and sure enough that's where he was. When I got home from the gym...where was Willie, in his kennel, with the door open mind you. It was a bit curious to me as that is not normal, so to prevent a nervous break down on my part, I decided today was yet another Bring Your Dog to Work Day. I think he enjoyed himself, hung out, barked at Catherine, got lots of attention and tons of petting and didn't even pee inside once which is a mere miracle for Willie.

Going to Grandma's

We dropped Willie off at my mom's house last night...she is keeping him while we are on vacation. It was so sad...he kept looking at us, like why are you leaving me? I told him we would be back and I'm not sure he understood. After all he has a really tiny brain and most of it is eaten up by a humongous tumor (just in case you all forgot!) My mom has two Great Danes and when he walked into the living room and saw them he shit his pants, seriously! We were in the kitchen and he came running into the kitchen with poo hanging, how gross is that? I imagine if he can survive her house we will be doing good. I got so sad when we left because I couldn't help but think what if that was the last time we see him alive?!?! I started to cry a little, like one tear and Brandon quickly told me that he (and I think he meant that I) would be okay. I left my mom strict instructions to have him cremated while we were gone and not to tell us about it because I don't want to ruin our vacation. I'm sure I'll call her everyday to check on him.

Bring Your Dog to Work Day

I officially declared today "Bring Your Dog To Work Day" and brought Willie to work with me this afternoon. It was so nice to have him there with me, he is so freaking cute! I swear I love that little dog too much. For the most part, he sat in my lap while I worked (and pet him). He seemed quite pleased with the arrangements and only barked at Dawn a few times. Other than that he was well behaved and didn't pee inside once, not once can you believe that! I asked Saraho today after meeting him if she thought he was blog worthy and she agreed! After I left work I went to the tailor and the Honda dealership and every where we went people oohed and awwed because he is that cute people! I did feel a bit Paris Hiltony bringing my dog everywhere and sort of felt compelled to tell everyone he has a brain tumor and that is why I bring him places but thought that would seem odd, so I refrained. Anyway, in cased you missed it, today was Bring Your Dog to Work Day!