Anger

I haven't found that much to be angry about except the fact that my dog is dead. I can say there are a few things that I'm been ruminating about and could make me mad if I spent too much time thinking about them. Since I've dedicated my days to working through the grief process I'll let you know a little about the things I'm angry about...
1. When we were leaving to take Willie to the vet, the neighbors came over to say their goodbyes. This is really sweet I realize but what I'm angry about is...apparently she had lotion or perfume on because she pet Willie on the head and all I could smell is her perfume. Willie has had a very distinct smell his whole life, it is a kind of stinky smell but it is his smell none the less. Brandon and I always said he stinks so good. So, on the way to the vets office I'm loving him and cuddling him and trying to smell him but all I can smell is the neighbors perfume and that made me angry. I wanted to smell Willie and his yummy stinky smell that I love so very much and I couldn't smell it and that made me mad!
2. After all was said and done at the vet and Brandon and I are sitting in the room holding the package that is our dead dog, I ask if they will mail me a bill and am told that I'd need to take care of it. Okay, I understand there is a fee and a cost but come on people, are you really going to make me sit here at the front counter with my dead dog in my hand so I can pay my bill?!?!? No, someone would come into the exam room and take care of the bill, apologies were offered as the policy is to take care of the bill prior to the task, blah, blah, blah. So the poor woman had to come in and give me the bill, that's when the angry really starts to rise. Not at the time of course because I was so shell shocked because Brandon is holding our dead dog, but now it really makes me angry. I remember getting in the truck and turning to Brandon and saying "you know it ought to be a crime. How do those people sleep at night charging $70 to kill your dog!"

So, anger...I'm working through it but still desperately miss my sweet stinky old man dog!

Stages of Grief: Denial

For those of you who aren't familiar with the stages of grief...Elizabeth Kubler-Ross introduced five stages of grief and I'm here to tell you they suck, each and every one of them. The five stages of grief are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I'm pretty sure I've experienced each of these at moments but thought I'd start at the top today with denial.
First off, at times during the day it was easy to pretend that Willie was not dead because you see, when I'm at work it is easy to deny the fact that he is gone and I can pretend it didn't happen.
Brandon and I both decided that we didn't want to be present when Willie was injected which was the right decision for me but it is also another aspect that makes denial so easy. When Dr. Stephens came back into the examination room Willie was all wrapped up like a little package and we never had to see him dead which works well for me. I couldn't take the package because I was so sad so I made Brandon carry it out and then had the issue when we got to the car...what to do now.
I tried to convince Brandon to put him in the backseat but he wasn't going for that. So he hands him to me and I'm like, this is not Willie, it is too heavy to be Willie. Brandon tried to explain to me the theory of "dead weight" but I still didn't believe it. When I got home I weighed it, yes that is correct, I took the wrapped up package of my dead dog and weighed it and sure enough it was 8.5 pounds just what little Willie weighed but seemed so much heavier to me. I'm working through the denial and being at home makes it impossibly sad because there is no denying he isn't here and is buried in the back yard.

Willie 2/17/97 - 2/3/08

I'm so sad to say that today was Willie's last day. He had a really great day on Sunday which makes me so happy. Brandon went to work but Willie and I slept late and spooned together before getting up and getting ready for the Superbowl. He hung out in the kitchen while I baked and prepared. He seemed to enjoy spending time with everyone that came over, especially my friend Ashley who held him and pet him for most of the second half of the game. He ate all of his food and even barked for seconds which I obliged even though I usually don't.
Monday, was an extremely different story. He had a really bad seizure on Monday morning, including losing control of his bowels. This was just the saddest thing I thought I'd ever see...little did I know it would get worse. Once he was finished seizing, he tried to get up but his back legs were not working at all and he appeared to have no sensation in either of his back legs. When he would try to stand he would struggle and then fall down. Walking was not any better, he would basically just drag his legs behind him. Brandon and I discussed it and decided we would bring him in on Friday.
Last night, I had such a difficult time helping he go outside, I basically had to hold him up while he peed/pooped and that was horrible. This morning after watching him attempt to go outside I decided today was the day. Brandon and I brought him in at 5:30 and were headed home with him by 6pm. We buried him in the back yard.